Tyler Krenzin
Lantern Staff
Viewers would have to stoop low to watch 50 Shades Darker. I can only begin to explain that the film is in one way, a way… way over-acted porno. I mean seriously, if you are into these sort of things, what’s wrong with staying at your house and pulling up our good old buddy, PornHub… kidding, but then again not really. Ten dollars for what amounts to an hour and a half of foreplay can easily be substituted out by a 10-minute video for free. Not necessarily the most romantic thing, but then again, look at the movie you’re about to watch.
When saying that this film is an over-acted porno, there can safely be no truer statement. It really did hurt me to watch the main characters, (Dakota Fanning as Anatasia Steele and Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey), try to fumble their way through what was just a poorly written script. With lines like “kinky F*ckery” (seriously this isn’t a joke), this movie cannot even try to hide its true undertones. Timeout: If you really begin to think about it, the direction of this movie is so predictable that if you grabbed a horny eighth grader, he would be like “Ah shit, they about to bone!” and honestly, he wouldn’t be wrong. Like an easy video game boss, the movie script conveys exactly what is going to happen 10 minutes before it even occurs. Halfway through the movie, there are a couple of scenes tied together that might as well have been a straight road with a giant “Sex Happens Here” sign two blocks down.
Predictable is the only description that can really be given to this movie. Tense scenes always end in a softcore sex scene. Most of the interesting parts of the movie were placed firmly in the multiple teasers and trailers. Honestly the most fun I had watching this movie was during a certain scene where the person behind me said “Welcome to Jurassic Park”, a movie I would definitely watch backwards before I watched any of the 50 Shades series.
Defenders of this movie always try to point out the story that is buried in the movie. To unearth this story, one would have to dig really deep. The main storyline involves how the main character Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, became a sexual sadist. 1. No one can say — SPOILER ALERT — because in order to spoil something, it must have substance in the first place. There were two scenes where I could find any reference to his past. The first scene was a whopping 30 seconds long and maybe 10 words spoken, and a scene later on eludes to his past, but no one flat out says anything.
All in all, this movie tries harder than it needs to in order to please its audience. It didn’t take 15 minutes to reach one of the coveted sex scenes in the movie, and honestly, it made me uncomfortable. Like who actually would enjoy this? Well, I actually got my answer about three sex scenes in when I heard a distinct noise from across the theater. Let’s just say that it wasn’t from the Dolby Surround Sound. Still even with the obvious, very obvious, (looking at you couple in the fourth row at the 10 p.m. showing), distractions. I never seemed to miss a beat in this movie. With no real conflict, story or, for the most part, acting, this movie seemed like it was one edit away from being a Pay-Per-View Lifetime movie.
2 *Inner Goddess Silver Metal Pleasure Balls* out of 10.
* Do not look up… Thank me later.
Side Note: To the people taking a picture of me sitting by myself at this movie, the joke is on you: I didn’t have to pay for that garbage, so enjoy your empty wallets.
