Magnus McFaulds
Lantern Staff
Two issues ago I wrote an article about my own struggles with depression. When I wrote it, I tried to cover all the bases of what was wrong. However, I did not talk about a lot of things as there are many things I was afraid to write. There is still a lot I won’t talk about.
I used to fear the thoughts in my head, and I was scared to face them and talk about them. Over the last two years, I have faced some of my worst demons. There have been days where moving from my bed was not an option. Going to class or work was not an option. The demons in my head, the worst thoughts, held me down. On my worst days, the only thing I could see was a way out, how I could tie myself up, where I could cut in to myself to bleed the fastest. On the outside, anyone could have said I was fine. I hid the pain just like anyone else. I used alcohol to take my mind away, but this just made it worse.
I remember the day I thought would be my last. I called my best friend and spoke to him about stupid things just so I could have that last sound of his voice. I called my mother and asked about her day just so I could listen to the words that had raised me. Finally, I called my then girlfriend and listened to the words that I had loved to hear even when I did not want to hear them. I had called the three people closest to me just to say on my last day, they were my memories. I pulled all the laces out of my shoes and tied them in to a makeshift noose, and tied it to my bed and threw it around my neck. This was the moment the voices in my head had been waiting for and encouraging. Sitting there with a tight pull around my neck, I realized that the voices in my head were just voices, nothing more than that.
On that day, things could have ended worse. Instead they didn’t, I got up and chose against it. I have cuts on my body from that day where I decided I’d rather be in pain temporarily than cause pain to my loved ones permanently.
Since the last article I wrote, I have spent hours with my therapist talking about my problems and taking the things in my life that were toxic and caused pain out. Recently, I sat and felt better than I have ever felt. For the first time I felt happy, alive and moving forward. I still struggle at times with the demons that once consumed me; however, I have never felt better. Removing the parts of my life that caused the pain, I have come out happier and fuller. There will come a day where I will be able to talk about everything that has ever caused me pain and took over my life. Today, however, I am at a point where I am happier than I’ve ever been and I strive to keep it this way forever.
