Amariani Garcia
Lantern Staff
At a young age, pregnancy changes a woman’s body in many ways. You gain weight and your hormonal balance becomes messed up in many ways. While having my son is the best feeling in the world, I also felt 5,000 other feelings, and they don’t go away. Whether I love my baby a million ways or push him away, it doesn’t change any less.
The doctors kept saying “It’s just the baby blues; this feeling will pass,” but it never did. The feeling became more intense and my anxiety became worse, and I was so tired. To this day I still experience episodes of my manic depression, and although I attend therapy and take medicine, nothing seems to work.
It came to a point where I could not function, yet my motherly instincts kept going. He was fed, burped, changed, loved, read and done all over again 10 times a day.
No one told me I would feel this way. I felt caged in a depression I couldn’t escape, yet no one seemed to see how miserable I felt.
Everyone always talks about the baby, but what about the mommy? What about all her restless nights, or her raging hunger, or the empty feeling you have after having him?
For example, one of my best friends lost her battle to postpartum last year. She suffered from prenatal and postpartum depression and it only got worse for her it seemed.
I got a call late at night, demanding for me to tell her she was with me, and that we had fallen asleep on the couch again. That would make up for her motherly instincts telling her something was wrong, but she was right. I started making up some excuse and said she’d be home soon, but the next day was a nightmare. She had stopped the car in the shoulder of the highway and jumped. She jumped. She left behind a two-year-old son. I cried and cried wondering why she did it. At the time I didn’t understand, but now I know. I just want to let you know, it’s ok, and we still love you.
Why doesn’t anyone talk about it? Why can’t we accept that postpartum depression is real?
If she had the luxury of having affordable medicare to see a therapist, she may still be here. According to World Health Organization, postpartum depression affects one of 12 mothers, and most women are ashamed to admit these feelings. Most women don’t seek help and suffer in silence.
If you are feeling suicidal, sad or need someone to talk to, please seek help.
The suicide prevention hotline is 1-800-273-8255. You are important, you are valued and you are worth it.