Amariani Garcia
Staff Writer
As a young mom, you go through different stages of postpartum depression, each stage reflecting a new obstacle. Recently, I have experienced the hardest one yet, to be a stay at home mom or a working mother. Each option carries its own blessings and hardships.
Do I stay home? Do I become the perfect housewife? Do I cook, clean, fold laundry, and raise a baby during all that? How do I keep up with my own needs, my sanity, and my own self? Or do I lose myself to do what everyone wants me to do. I tried to stay home, I really did and I lost myself–trying to please others. I lost everything that I loved, and I am learning to love myself again once more. A stay at home mom loses everything. She loses her personality, her confidence and way of thinking.
I had no idea who I was anymore. Do I still like makeup? Do I still enjoy coaching little league basketball? How do my friends feel? Why can’t my family see that I am drowning, dying in this feeling of desperation and loneliness? Am I Christian for feeling this way?
All those emotions I felt alone, while the baby slept. He never slept that long, but that time felt like an eternity. I felt lonely and had no idea what to do, and everything I did was out of character trying to find myself again. I regret the things I did to feel something other than loneliness.
As postpartum progressed, I had part time jobs here and there. I worked as a sales associate, a dietician and a foreign language interpreter, yet none of them made me feel accomplished. I worked either too little or too much for people. I was never enough as an employee, so I slowly made myself unavailable. I made excuses that my baby needed me, and I couldn’t leave him. I felt unaccomplished, and at times, I still do today.
As time went on, I had to realize I am an amazing mother, friend, student, and employee. Every day I find myself more and more, and relearn who I once was, and who I have become.
As a mother to an amazing 8-month-old baby boy, I had to learn to love myself for the small things, and to reward myself for what I have overcome. My life could have ended on a bridge a month ago, and I want to thank God, my loving sisters, and my friends who made me feel whole again. I love you, and I apologize to those I have hurt as well, while learning to find myself. I hope that with time, those wounds will heal.